this subject is one that is extremely hard for me to talk about, one of those subjects that you wear a smile to hold back the tears when you hear a song in public that reminds you of a late loved one or you are at a wedding and the father daughter dance comes up...although I will admit, I absolutely lose all composure when this part of the reception happens. every time. but I feel that putting these words on here will not only help ease the pain and sadness even in the slightest, but possibly help anyone else out there who has suffered a loss of a loved one. because we all need each other for love and support, especially in such situations.
my dad and I have always had a very close father daughter relationship. my parents divorced when I was three so I have no recollection of that; however, I do remember the crazy schedule that came about having to set certain days with each parent. with this, I was able to spend quality time with each parent separately. my dad always had something fun planned when it was his time. he was a complete biker guy; long dark curly hair, scruff, and leather to the max. to this day, he is the most fun person I have ever had in my life. an appropriate term would be the life of the party. his love and passion for life was portrayed every single day of his life. he had such an amazing way of connecting with people through his bright smile and creating life-long relationships. I still have people come up to me and ask if I am his daughter. to which I proudly reply yes. there was never a dull moment with this guy, he was always getting into some kind of fun. he was the leader of our family and his friends. he was the kind of dad where you could confide in him and trust him with your words. he was someone you knew you would ALWAYS have fun with. he was my best friend.
on Father's Day in 2001, a lot of lives were about to be changed forever. I remember hearing the knock on my mom's front door and seeing a policeman standing there with a somber look. he proceeded to tell my mom what had happened. I remember looking through the glass door seeing her burst out in tears. she came in and told me that daddy had gotten into a motorcycle accident...and he didn't make it. I couldn't even tell you what ran through my mind that morning except I went from being super excited to spend the day with my dad to feeling as if my world had just flipped upside down. nothing has been the same since.
as a total daddy's girl, this loss has affected every aspect of my life then, now, and will impact many parts of the future. I have had to make decisions in my life that a dad should have a say in and that I, as his daughter, wanted to hear his opinion more than anything. dating is a huge deal in my life now that I do not have him here to put the fear of God in the poor soul. ;) although, I do have his biker friends that gladly put themselves out there for this fatherly role. and my family loves to give a hard time to the fellas. that being said, I am now holding out for my special someone because it is more than just dating for me. it is deciding if dad would approve. it is literally a deal breaker for me.
my dad set a high bar when it came to how much a father can love his daughter. he wrote some poems addressed to me in a green spiral notebook he had at his house. these poems are near and dear to my heart. I treasure this book as if it were my child. I cannot read them without becoming a bawling mess but they have taught me to not settle for anything in life. his love has strengthened me in so many ways. they are a sweet reminder that he will always be here in spirit and they show just how much he cared for me. he set a perfect example of the kind of father I want my future husband to be with our children. here is one of the poems he wrote:
The sweetest word I know
Is a word only you can say.
This word I hear from you
Is a word that takes the blues away.
It makes a bad day turn good
It turns a good day great.
So if I don't answer for a time or two
Don't think I didn't hear you
Don't think I don't care
Don't think my mind is elsewhere
Because this one little word I love to hear
And it means the world to me my dear.
So say it once, say it twice
Say it three more times.
I hear you well
My little southern belle.
I promise I won't get mad
And I'll never be upset.
Just say it once more so I don't forget.
How beautiful is this one little word
It is the word I long to hear
So please understand
If I cry when it rings in my ear.
I know someday you will be an adult
And a "big girl" you will finally be.
I only ask of you one thing
Please remember what this word means to me.
Just in closing I would like to say,
There is nothing more dear
Than to have someone whisper "daddy" in your ear.
I have learned the true value of life and living through my dad. I would have done anything to save his life that day and be able to spend more time with him, but I could not be more grateful to have spent nine incredibly fun years with him. I thank God everyday for the memories I now hold so dear to my heart. and I cannot explain the comfort I feel from knowing that someday, we will be a father daughter pair reunited in Heaven. this brings my heart so much peace. needless to say, I cannot wait for that day! I picture him with his long hair and beaming smile giving me a much needed dad hug with tears of joy streaming down our faces. goosebumps. without my faith, family, and friends there is no way I would have gotten through this in one piece.
now that I am 22 and a "big girl" as dad would have put it, I have grown to realize the importance of family and strengthening my faith. with these two things in my life, I truly feel blessed.
to everyone who is suffering the loss of a loved one, know that you are not alone and there are people out there who relate or who are willing to be there for support, me included.
"I just knew as long as I sought God in my life that He would open and close the door that He wanted me to go through and that was a sense of comfort for me."